grumble grumble

My internship ends in three days, which is a good thing. I have really enjoyed my work and have learned a ton, but I cannot take much more contact with my university supervisor... I think she is the embodiment of all evil. She certainly makes me cry a lot. It's weird... Usually when professors are jerks to me, I get intensely motivated to show them how awesome and amazing I am... but when she threatens to take away my approval for student teaching, I crumble...

This is so unlike me. I'm way too contrary to just accept what she says. I need to get into battle mode.

I think I'll eat some cookie dough first though.

I just got back from a party where I was miserable. After an hour, I was hyperventalating and came home, leaving my roommate who promises she will call me when she wants to come home too.

It's hard realizing that when you say you're unique or that you don't fit the mold, it's true. And while it's cool to be an "outcast", it isn't cool at all to be one for real.

There were six kids from my high school at this party that I didn't expect to see. We weren't friends in high school and we aren't friends now, and the only nice thing now is that we aren't pretending.

All of the girls were wearing lacy black shirts. I was wearing my yellow thumbwrestling champion one under the TOOL hoodie that I shimmied off.

I won't say that anything they were doing was wrong, because I certainly don't feel that way. Whether something is right for me or not has nothing to do with them... But it makes me really lonely at a party, having no inclination whatsoever to drink. At least at the cabin (a hangout), there was a big screen tv to watch.

And it's a bit lonelier to realize that the person who understands you more than anyone else in the world is having a great time playing Kings while you are struggling to breathe in and out.

I'm going to get some sleep before she calls.

But first... I'd just like to point out that finding a person who likes the music I do, the crafts I do, who questions like I do... it's impossible.

frustrated me

I am in the middle of a very frustrating time for me. My utmost desire is to be a teacher, but the bureacracy makes me exhausted. And let's just face it, education professors don't know how to teach. Isn't that ironic?

I tried to talk to my supervisor about how I'm not going to get in enough hours during my internship to receive credit and she just kept telling me I'll be fine. Which I won't. Even if I go every day, during exams, on teacher workdays, staying late to tutor, and doing duty with my teacher, I still will be 11 hours short of the requirements. Which is a problem, since the woman who is going to be grading this is not the type to give you a break. She failed a girl's presentation once for being late because the girl started throwing up in the middle of class on the day she was supposed to do it and had to go home.

I'm scared.

I need this credit to graduate. I can't become a teacher without it... and as it is, I don't know when I'm going to work my work study because all of the other kids are already scheduled in the evenings and as I going to be busy from 7 to 4... I guess I can work weekends...

I am just so very frustrated. And not handling it well at all. I find myself endlessly irritated at girls at school, who were my friends before I left and I guess that means they should still be but who are still doing the same stupid childish things they have always been doing. I yelled at a friend the other day because she was crying over a boy that she has been un-dating for forever and I am tired of girls acting like their existence and self-esteem and ability to have a good time rest on boys and alcohol.

So my two friends who have time for me an aren't wrapped up in those two things are treating me better than they should considering my grouchiness... Thank goodness they are around. You know, an actual full-night's rest might help since I haven't had that in a few days, too. I just needed to complain here a little though, away from the girls who are driving me crazy... I don't know if this counts as culture shock because I've always been disgusted with my peers as far as this goes. Tolerance is a beautiful thing, and I'll work on having some more of that because young people do stupid things and that's normal... but right now, I'm running low. That's all.