I just got back from a party where I was miserable. After an hour, I was hyperventalating and came home, leaving my roommate who promises she will call me when she wants to come home too.

It's hard realizing that when you say you're unique or that you don't fit the mold, it's true. And while it's cool to be an "outcast", it isn't cool at all to be one for real.

There were six kids from my high school at this party that I didn't expect to see. We weren't friends in high school and we aren't friends now, and the only nice thing now is that we aren't pretending.

All of the girls were wearing lacy black shirts. I was wearing my yellow thumbwrestling champion one under the TOOL hoodie that I shimmied off.

I won't say that anything they were doing was wrong, because I certainly don't feel that way. Whether something is right for me or not has nothing to do with them... But it makes me really lonely at a party, having no inclination whatsoever to drink. At least at the cabin (a hangout), there was a big screen tv to watch.

And it's a bit lonelier to realize that the person who understands you more than anyone else in the world is having a great time playing Kings while you are struggling to breathe in and out.

I'm going to get some sleep before she calls.

But first... I'd just like to point out that finding a person who likes the music I do, the crafts I do, who questions like I do... it's impossible.